Mental health
What not to say when someone dies by suicide
When someone dies by suicide, well-meaning people often say things that cause more pain to those grieving.
Earlier this year my amazing, brilliant friend died by suicide. She, like too many others, lost her battle with depression.
Gutted and numb, I found myself avoiding people who sought to console me, because some of their well-meaning words cut to the quick.
I shared my pain with a small group of “safe” individuals, who knew depression, who experienced the pain of losing a loved one to suicide. Grieving together, we knew we wouldn’t further bruise each other with words.
I want to spare others this pain, so here are 3 things NOT to say to someone grieving a suicide.
#1. Don’t say “commit” suicide
Depression is a disease that kills. Like cancer. Like heart disease.
Commit implies agency, it is an expression from a time when suicide was considered a crime or a sin. One commits murder. One commits adultery. One DIES of suicide.
Words matter.
#2. Don’t ask “why”
Depression and suicide don’t typically have “a” reason. Depression descends upon one like a dark enveloping miasma. The cause is often unknown, and grieving loved ones should not be asked to try to explain the unexplainable.
#3. Don’t judge
Judgment often shows up as the “how could they” question, implying that the person who died made the choice to hurt those left behind. Ego is not involved at the moment of suicide, there is no choice when one feels choice-less, out of options. Asking this is horribly hurtful to the survivors. Don’t EVER say this.
If you feel depressed or sad, please ask for help. You are loved.
Tell a friend, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
Available 24 hours every day, in English and Spanish.
