Parenting life
The 4 gifting motivations
If you give a gift, is it with strings attached?
A parent on Quora once asked: would it be OK if he hid the giant teddy bear a grandparent bought their child against the OP’s explicit wishes?
Now, I personally hate those things. I’ve encountered one of them on more than one occasion leaning against the garbage can on trash day. Or taking up an entire bin at Goodwill. They harbor dust mites, they take up space, and kids get bored after 5 minutes of playing with one of those, the novelty wears off super fast. Most children prefer the small, cuddly and portable teddy bear over the giant one in the corner of their room.
So, I told the OP to disappear the toy, and never look back.
I did not expect the backlash. First, someone commented this was stealing, and that they felt sorry for my children. Ouch.
Someone else wished that I would never have children (I have 4), and therefore grandchildren (likely, my Gen Z kids can’t fathom why anyone would want to bring more kids into this messed up world).
This got me thinking about giving and gifting. I identified 4 motivations, 2 healthy and good for the soul, 2 unhealthy, and even toxic.
1) Giving in support
One of the most common ways we give. It’s the meal train for the new family or the mourning family, the fundraiser for a colleague or friend in need, the donation to your favorite charity or political party.
2) Giving “just because”
This is a most satisfying form of giving.
It’s giving for the pleasure of gifting. It’s baking cookies for the elderly neighbor just because.
It’s bringing “emergency chocolate” to a coworker who is having a tough day just because.
It’s the random act of kindness, with no expectation of reciprocation.
Do this often. This type of giving is guaranteed to make you feel uplifted.
3) Giving to influence or control
I have personally observed 2 such scenarios.
One is when a relative buys a child a toy the parents have said no to, disrespecting the parents’ authority. This is simply rude.
The second scenario is when someone offers to buy you that “thing” you said you needed, and then proceeds to buy you something completely different because in their judgment it is better for you. When you act surprised and maybe less than thrilled once you receive it, they then act hurt and accuse you of being ungrateful.
This is a form of passive aggressive manipulation manifesting as generosity. It may or may not be conscious on the part of the perpetrator.
If you have been on the receiving end, you probably know what it feels like. If you do this, think about why. What is motivating you to do this?
This type of inauthentic giving is unhealthy and toxic for both giver and receiver.
4) Giving to earn affection
From my teens to my twenties I was that friend everyone could count on, who never said no.
I thought being generous with my time and saying “yes” to all manner of requests would earn me acceptance and friendship. It didn’t. I learned that the pleaser behavior is common among survivors of trauma, bullying, or other forms of abuse, among others.
It is a form of self-defense. You please to avoid being hurt. I had survived awful bullying in 7th and 8th grade, I only now am coming to terms with the ripple effect that experience has had on so many aspects of my life. I am healing.
